What happens at a funeral celebrant meeting?

Planning a funeral can be daunting. It may be the first funeral you’ve ever had to organise. You may be feeling crippled by grief or you may be navigating family tensions. It is rarely an easy time. As your funeral celebrant, it is my job to make creating a meaningful and memorable service as easy and straightforward as possible for you.

The first step in doing that is to meet with you. If this is the first funeral you’ve had to organise, you may be wondering what happens at a funeral celebrant meeting. I’m going to explain how I work so that when we meet, you’ll have some questions answered and feel more comfortable.

Why do I need to meet with a funeral celebrant?

The funeral celebrant meeting is a time for me to get to know you and learn about the deceased through your memories. It is from your memories that I create the script for the funeral.

It is also a time to plan any specific memorial moments or rituals. Decide on music, readings and other contributions, and make sure I have all the information I need to help you.

How long does the funeral celebrant meeting take?

A meeting with your funeral celebrant can take up to two hours. This gives us time to talk through lots of memories and ideas without rushing.

Where do we meet?

We can meet wherever you feel comfortable. I usually meet people at their homes, but sometimes that isn’t possible. You may prefer to meet at the Funeral Directors or other neutral space and, if you’re not local we can meet by Zoom.

How do you contact me?

I usually phone you to arrange the first meeting and after that I’ll use email to send over the service script. You will also have my phone number so you can phone or message or whatsapp anything you need to talk to me about.

What do we talk about in the funeral celebrant meeting?

I start the meeting getting to know you as the person planning the funeral.

I double check I’ve got all the right information about dates and times and locations, and that I’ve got the right contact information for you.

I then talk you through how I work, so you know what to expect from me. I make sure I have all the details about the deceased. For example, date of birth, how they died, and how they liked to be addressed (for example nicknames, pronouns, formal titles)

We talk through any music or readings that you’d like and whether there’s anyone that would like to speak at the funeral service.

Then we talk about your person and your memories of them.

Why do you ask how they died?

If the Funeral Director hasn’t told me how a person has died, I ask. It is so that I know the best way to talk about them dying in the service.

How I would talk about a 99 year old dying of old age is different from how I would talk about a young person that has died.

Talking about the death allows me put the words together that will help people acknowledge death and say goodbye during the service.

Do I need to prepare anything?

No, you don’t have to prepare anything before the funeral celebrant meeting, but it can be super handy if you do.

Things that you might think about in advance;

• Music choices for the service
• Any readings, poems or prayers to be included
• Whether any family member or friend would like to write and read a eulogy or other reading
• Families have sometimes been able to write a biography to give me, which is incredibly helpful.
• Any rituals or symbolic gestures that you’d like to include

If you can’t do any of these things in advance, that’s okay. When we meet we can talk about favourite musicians and books that can help inspire choices.

I also have a collection of poems, readings and music ideas that I can use for suggestions too.

What happens if family members disagree about what goes into the funeral service?

Grief can highlight discord and difficult relationships in families. I’m sorry if that happens to you.

My responsibility is to the primary client, in other words, the person paying the bill. This means that they have the final say over what goes into the service.

If other family members or friends approach me with ideas or words they’d like included I’ll have to run this by the person who is the primary client. I try to do this in a way so that so that everyone feels listened to and also understands the boundaries of the situation.

What happens after the funeral celebrant meeting?

Once we’ve had our meeting I go away and turn all my notes into a service.

The first step is to outline the service and what is happening when, during it. I then turn your memories into the service.

When I have a first draft that I’m happy with I send it over to review. This is to make sure that I’ve got everything in that you want in and nothing in that you don’t.

It’s also a good time to check that I’ve got all names, dates and details right.

You then tell me what to tweak and I tweak it and send you back a final draft.

Can we make last minute changes to the funeral service?

Kind-of.

When families live far apart, folk can always send me a message with their recollections and memories after the meeting. This is fine and an excellent thing as the memories of family and friends in their own words are much more powerful than my second hand words.

But, if you save up all your tweaks until five minutes before the ceremony, well that’s not so great. I’ll do my best, but I won’t be able to create the best version of the service for you.

What happens on the day?

On the day of the funeral, the Funeral Director will collect you and your family and bring you to the place of service.

I’ll be there waiting and when everything is ready we start the service.

Most services are 30 minutes long. It is a time to say goodbye together and give you all permission to share fond memories.

What is the committal and what happens?

The committal is the end of the service where the coffin is lowered into the ground, or the curtains drawn around the coffin at a crematorium.

I’m not a fan of the word committal, so I call it saying goodbye.

People often ask me, “do we have to draw the curtains at a funeral?” and the answer is, no, you don’t have to.

Sometimes families prefer to be able to touch the coffin to say goodbye one last time. Some folk like to place flowers or other small items on the coffin as a way of saying goodbye.

After the funeral, does the funeral celebrant come to the wake?

I prefer not to. The wake after the ceremony is for you to share your memories together without me. My job is to turn memories into a service that allows you to remember together and say goodbye together. A service that gives you permission to find comfort and joy in sharing memories to help your hearts heal.

How do you get paid?

If you’ve been referred to me by the funeral director my fee will be added to their bill. If you’ve found me yourselves, I’ll bill you directly.

Is there anything else I should know?

Probably, and when I think of it I’ll update this post. And if we’re working together then you’ll be able to ask me in person.

If you’ve got any questions about working with me to plan a funeral you can drop me a note at [email protected]