How to plan a funeral service that’s unique and meaningful

Most of us don’t think about what it is like to plan a funeral service, yet at some point in life we will probably have to do so. 

Having to plan a funeral service in the midst of raw grief is undoubtedly a stressful thing to do.

Immediately that you’re plunged into the emotion of loss you have to deal with decisions and questions about things you’d hoped to never think about.

It’s unbelievably hard, but everyone I have worked with in the funeral industry is committed to helping bereaved people as much as possible to give them the funeral they want for their loved one.

This post is here to help you with some ideas of how to plan what to include in the funeral service for your loved one. Which, I hope, will make it easier for when you have to do it yourself.

Do we have to have the service at a crematorium?

No. Most people choose to be cremated, and while most of those people choose to have a service at the crematorium, that isn’t the only choice.

Alternative to a crematorium service is to have a service elsewhere and for the cremation to take place separately. This often happens with people who want a church service and a cremation and if you aren’t religious then you can have a similar choice with a funeral service in the venue of your choice.

How long is a funeral service?

A funeral service at a crematorium is usually 30 minutes long. You can book a double slot for a longer funeral at additional cost.

If you have a service in an alternative space, such as a community hall, event venue or your back garden you can have as long as you like.

If you are having a burial at a burial ground it is best to check timings with the venue.

What happens at a funeral a service?

A typical funeral service would look something like this;

• Mourners enter ahead of the coffin.
• Music is played while the coffin is brought in with chief mourners following in.
• The coffin is placed on the catafalque, the funeral director and pall bearers retreat.
• The celebrant (me) welcomes everyone and introduces the service.
• The service
• The committal and saying goodbye
• Time to reflect
• Music is played as the mourners leave

The main part of the service will consist of the following;

• Eulogy – remembering the life of the person 
• Readings – poems or prayers, these can include poems written for the funeral
• Memories of your person – often family and friends want to say a few words to remember the person
• Music – hymns and favourite songs. It’s nice to have at least one piece of music, so that people have time to reflect for themselves. 

How much music can we have at a funeral?

There are usually at least three pieces of music in a funeral service.

• Music to accompany the coffin coming into the service space
• Music to reflect to
• Music to accompany the mourners leaving at the end of the service.

A fourth piece of music can be wonderful too. Some people like to include a hymn because they’re still a little bit religious, or because having something eveyone sings along to helps people feel like they’re a part of the service. 

Five pieces of music starts to get a bit busy and more than that and there isn’t much time for the other parts of the service. Of course if your person wanted to have more music than words or to perhaps sum up their life with a funeral playlist, that’s what we can do.

What music can we have at a funeral?

If you are at a crematorium. you can have any piece of music that has been professionally published. The crematorium will have a special system that they use to book and play the music. A good guide is that if you can find the music on Spotify or Amazon then you should be able to have it played at the funeral.

If it is a Youtube video of Uncle Bert playing Feed The Bird on the spoons, it’s not going to be possible. But, you could ask Uncle Bert to come and play the spoons live at the service.

Live music is always an option, especially as it adds a personal touch to the event.

If your service is in an alternative venue, check with your celebrant and the event team about how they want to have the music played.

What readings can we have at a funeral?

Any readings you like!

There are many popular readings that are used for funerals that address loss, grief and saying goodbye. There are also many wonderful poems and readings that are about life, hobbies, joy and living. 

At one funeral I read “My Grandmother’s Cookbook” because the lady was famed for her baking, we even included her favourite recipe into the order of service.

I have a folder full of ideas and a bookshelf full of poetry books, so if you are unsure of what to include we can usually find something that sums up the moment perfectly.

Can we have prayers at the funeral?

Yes, I’m not religious, but I’m happy to include a prayer or religious poem for you. If religion is very important to you then I might not be the right person to hold a ceremony for you.

How many readings can we have at a funeral?

Most funerals I’ve worked on have had at least one or two readings. Again, once we get past two readings then there become more readings than memories of the person, though if they’re a great literature fan they may prefer this.

Can we read our own poems in a funeral service?

YES! It is wonderful when people write their own poems to read out, as they are so personal and help the other mourners see their lost ones through the eyes of someone else that loved them.

How much do you, the celebrant say, and how much can we the family or friends say at a funeral?

That is entirely up to you.

I’ve had funerals where no-one wanted to say anything and I was the only person speaking and I’ve had funerals where many people spoke and my role was to top and tail the service and introduce music and readings.

Sometimes people want to say something but aren’t sure they want to stand up and read it. When this happens I suggest they write what they want to say and then I read it. This allows them to leave it to the last minute to decide if they want to stand up and read or not.

I’ve also worked with people where they’ve asked me to put into words what they want to say and read it as if from them.

Do we have to contribute the eulogy?

No, not if you don’t want to.

When I meet with the friends and family of the dead person to plan a funeral service, I try to find out as much as possible about them as I can. 

Then, if no-one else wants to contribute, I’ll write a eulogy in two parts. The first detailing the life of the person – where they grew up, what they worked as, their family life and so on. The second part is full of memories – that time something funny happened at the beach in Blackpool. Their cheeky habit of hiding the toffee pennies from the Christmas chocolates. Their love of Only Fools and Horses. All the things that make you think to yourself “yes, that’s them” when you hear it read out.

What else do we need to think about when we plan a funeral service?

There are some other elements you can think about to create a unique funeral service.

Photos can be included, either on a stand or in a slideshow. I always think a slideshow of photos of the person’s life is a lovely way to lighten the moments of reflections in the service and gives folk something to focus on while they listen.

Clothing helps to set the tone of a service. While many people opt for the traditional black or dark clothes, lots of folk now request either a certain colour to be included in clothing or for people to dress brightly for a celebration.

What about rites and rituals of saying goodbye?

Funerals have always had ritual elements attached to them to help us to say goodbye. The simplest being the bowing of our heads when the coffin passes us, the closing of curtains around the catafalque or the throwing of dirt at a burial.

There are some gentle ways to include a ritual when you plan a funeral service, here are some of my favouites;

• Their favourite flowers can be placed in the room, or given to each mourner to lay on the coffin as they say goodbye.
• Photographs can be displayed or played as a slideshow to help people remember life of their person.
• Touching the coffin to say goodbye as you leave.
• Lighting a candle (or fake candle) for the person at the end of the service.
• Having a memory jar where people can write and leave a memory of the person.
• Mourners wearing their favourite colour , or their sports team colours.

This all sounds complicated!

I know. So, here are some simple questions to help you plan a funeral service;

• What was their favourite song or musician?
• Would you like a reading that says goodbye or one that celebrates? Or both?
• Did they have a favourite poet, or even a song that we could use as a poem?
• Did they have a hobby or pastime that summed them up more than anything else?
• Would you or anyone else in your family or friend group like to say anything about your person, or stand up and read something?
• Is there something that they loved that we can include symbolically?

A half hour isn’t very long to capture someone’s life and the impact it has had on the people they’ve touched. I recognise that, and a funeral service is a step on the journey of grief. It is the edited highlights and the newsheadlines of a life and time to remember together. 

As your funeral celebrant I will help you capture what made your person so very special to you and everyone they loved and help you plan a funeral service that captures them in a way that represents who they were and all they mean to you.

I  hope this is article will help you plan a funeral service that is unique and meaningful. If you would like to talk with me about planning a funeral service, please email me on [email protected]